February 19, 2005 – Hilary Swank / 50 Cent (S30 E13) [THROWBACK REVIEW]

Cold Open – Neverland Ranch

• OH FUCKING NO. The return of Amy’s Michael Jackson “impression”.
• Let me just preface this by saying that I’m actually a huge fan of MJ. I’ve listened to a lot of his songs multiple times, and I’m the only person in my family who puts his music ahead of his crimes. The reason I bring this up is because being heavily familiar with MJ’s speaking voice, I can tell you that Amy’s impression sounds NOTHING LIKE HIM. Seriously, what is she GOING FOR? She couldn’t sound less like MJ if she tried.
• On top of her non-attempt at an MJ impression, the voice she’s using is annoying as fuck.
• Ugh at that nasally voice Maya’s using.
• Blah, Maya’s line about how she can talk to squirrels was lame as hell.
• Maya’s giggling in that voice is FUCKING ANNOYING.
• Ha, an actual laugh from Will’s entrance as Macaulay Culkin.
• Will gave me another laugh with his Home Alone facial expression. That’s the kind of thing that Will knows how to make funny.
• I have no idea why, but for some reason, Rachel’s passionate delivery isn’t getting so much a smirk from me, and Rachel always makes that sort of thing funny.
• Not sure we need Darrell’s Geraldo Rivera.
• A lame line from Darrell about how he “bets his mustache” that Amy is innocent.
• Kenan’s initial entrance didn’t get a smirk from me either, which is crazy as Kenan usually gets laughs from me with his walk-ons. Then again, this is Season 30, where he has yet to become the reliable performer he’s known as today.
• Ugh, all these lines about MJ loving boys and hating it when people grow up are unfunny and just plain lame.
• I kinda like Kenan’s “how desperate do you think I am?” line, but I think I’m just desperate for a laugh at this point.
• An overall awful way to open tonight’s episode.

Rating: *½

Monologue

• I’m kinda liking Hilary’s energy here, but it’s not really anything special.
• Meh, I didn’t care for Hilary’s joke about her latest movie not being a comedy.
• I usually like seeing backstage monologues.
• I kinda want to like Chris’ jump rope scene, but I dunno, something about it left me a little underwhelmed.
• I kinda like Horatio’s scene about him drinking mayonnaise.
• The bit with Kenan constantly changing character on cue is kinda funny.
• Rachel’s angry ranting at a photo of Tina had me freakin’ HOWLING.
• I have no idea what to make of the bit with Hilary making out with Seth.
• I didn’t care for how Hilary pronounced 50 Cent as “Fiddy Cent” during the usual monologue ending tagline.
• Overall, I wanted to like this more than I did, but there were some moments that either left me underwhelmed or felt a little desperate.

Rating: **½

Grayson Moorhead Investments

• Oooooookaaaay, that’s a little weird. I have no idea why they’re bringing back this classic ad after 10 years. Plus, I’m pretty sure that there’s NO WAY IN HELL these will compare to those fantastic ads. We’ll see though.
• Jim’s dry delivery is still funny, but it’s kinda obvious that he’s gotten too old at this point, made evident by how different his voice sounds compared to the original ads from S21.
• Meh, these lines aren’t anywhere near as funny as the aforementioned original ads. Besides, nothing will ever top “if my wife calls while I’m shagging my secretary…”.
• The fake products are kinda funny.
• Overall, just as I feared, I didn’t care for this as much as I did for the aforementioned original Grayson Moorhead ads.

Rating: **

Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face

• Three groans right from the start: 1.) the reality TV channel intro, 2.) the comical last name of Maya’s character, and 3.) the plastic surgery look on Maya’s face.
• Ugh at Hilary’s character’s name: “Susan Dinewart”.
• Uh, what exactly am I watching here? Not only am I not getting any laughs from these lines, but the comically exaggerated botched faces are just salt on an open wound.
• Not really caring for that voice Maya’s using.
• Rachel’s unintelligible dialogue is kinda funny, but I think I’m just desperate for a laugh at this point.
• Didn’t care for Hilary’s monotone “I am so enraged right now”. I know that’s the joke, but that doesn’t automatically make it funny. Barely anything funny is happening right now.
• Yeah, Rachel’s the only saving grace here. Then again, that’s just a further testament as to how she’s the only strong female member of this cast. Unfortunately, the same will definitely NOT be true for a certain recurring character we’ll be seeing later tonight, but we’ll get there when we get there…
• Overall, blah.

Rating: *½

Grayson Moorhead Investments

• Uh…okay. I just went through that entire ad with hardly any laughs whatsoever. Jim’s lines tonight were only mildly funny at best. Again, these two ads absolutely failed in comparison to the original Grayson Moorhead ads.
• Oddly enough, this sketch ends with no applause whatsoever, causing the transition to the next sketch seem oddly quiet. This, of course, would later be fixed in online prints. The reason I bring this up here instead of the next sketch is because it’ll feel awkward to say knowing what that sketch is…

Rating: **

Hot Plates

• OH MOTHERFUCKING NO. As if tonight’s episode hadn’t already been off to a bad start, we now get an infamous sketch from this season that I’ve always fucking DESPISED.
• It feels absolutely surreal seeing Kenan here. In fact, it always feels surreal watching him in his first two years. In the episodes and sketches I’ve seen from his first two years, he always feels a bit too green, young, and out-of-place compared to the current cast. Besides, if this sketch were done today, I HIGHLY doubt that Kenan would want to be involved in it.
• Hoo boy, seeing Horatio here ALREADY has me worried, mainly because I’m already aware of how he performs in this sketch.
• And there it goes: Horatio’s first utterance of “hot plates”. Long story short, this does not bode well for the rest of the sketch.
• My God, Horatio’s constant bellowing of “hot plates” are friggin’ TORTURE, and we haven’t even gotten to the main comedy of this sketch.
• Horatio’s exaggerated delivery of “asbestos” is unnecessary.
• Ugh, now Horatio can’t keep a straight face while talking to Kenan.
• Another ugh, this time from Kenan’s exaggerated delivery of “oh my Lordness”. If this sketch were done today, it wouldn’t be as exaggerated as it was here.
• Uh-oh. Now we’re getting to the main comedy, with the “hot plates” being way too exaggerated.
• The bit with Kenan burning his pinky on the plate, putting it in water, and the water spurting out of the cup was another groanworthy bit in a sketch FILLED with groanworthy bits.
• Yet ANOTHER ugh, this time from Seth’s overacting during his outbursts.
• This…this…just…how does something like this make it to the air? The concept here isn’t too bad, but it would be executed a lot better if it were done in a completely different era. The performances are too over-the-top, and the execution makes it feel like something that belongs on a kid’s show, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.
• Oh God. I thought that Horatio failing to keep a straight face while talking to Kenan was bad enough, but now he’s pretty much laughing his way through after Hilary’s fingers get attached to her plate. MAKE IT STOP!
• An absolutely AWFUL ending to this sketch, with Amy turning into a fucking SKELETON after looking at the plate. I especially hate Seth’s over-the-top screaming.
• This sketch is so bad that not even Will can save it at the end.
• Overall, GOOD LORD, this sucked balls. Easily one of the worst SNL sketches I’ve ever seen in my ENTIRE EXISTENCE, and I didn’t even know about it until a year ago.

Rating: *

Debbie Downer

• Oh God. As if that wretched Hot Plates sketch wasn’t enough, we now get Debbie Downer. Lord, what did I do to deserve this punishment?
• Oof. After Debbie’s tsunami line, the timing on the camera zoom after the “wah-wah” was really off.
• Yeah, so far, I’m finding myself not getting any laughs whatsoever from the usual Debbie Downer schtick.
• Wow, I thought that the timing on the aforementioned camera zoom was bad enough, but now, they don’t even bother to play the “wah-wah” sound after her line about the In Memoriam reel. Seriously, what is HAPPENING tonight?
• And right now, after Debbie’s line about the prime minister of Lebanon, we only hear HALF the “wah-wah” sound. So many errors being made here, and the fact that nothing funny has happened so far makes them even more noticeable.
• Overall, my GOD, did I hate this. Easily the worst Debbie Downer segment yet. Nothing funny happened, not helped by the aforementioned sloppy gaffes.
• This has GOT to be the most dire pre-Update half I’ve ever witnessed. So far, I have yet to care for ANYTHING in tonight’s episode.

Rating: *

Weekend Update

• Remember when I said that as dreadful as the SJP episode from S20 was, I at least had Weekend Update to save me? Well, no such luck here, as this is an Update era that I don’t like and find to be a bit of a chore to get through.
• Blah at the joke regarding MJ’s defenders in the child molestation trial. It feels a bit too corny, not helped by Amy’s delivery, which is also corny.
• Ah, Amy’s mention of The Gates has me breathing a deep sigh of relief, mainly because I already know in hindsight what we’re getting…
• Fred Armisen, save me from this Update!
• Ah, looks like we’re getting a man-on-the-street bit from Fred. These are always great, and are a further sign of how strong Fred was in his early years.
• I love the way Fred says “the Gates”.
• A huge laugh from Fred walking away from an interview before the interviewee has even finished answering his question.
• I’m LOVING the tone of this pre-tape. It feels so unique and is the type of creative thing I love seeing from Fred when he’s in his prime (that and seeing him embrace his rock roots).
• A particularly hilarious part, with Fred inexplicably including an In Memoriam montage for himself, despite the fact that he’s still alive.
• I got a good laugh from Tina calling Fred an idiot in passing.
• An overall strong commentary from Fred, and a bright spot in this Update era.
• Ugh at all these lame jokes from Tina and Amy, particularly the latter. None of these jokes are even registering a mere smirk from me.
• Ooh, I’m loving the way this Morgan Freeman commentary starts, with him narrating his entrance.
• Finesse’s Morgan Freeman impression isn’t too accurate in terms of voice, but he’s at least nailing his overall speech pattern (for lack of a better term).
• Finesse has plenty of funny lines in the beginning of his commentary.
• I love the turn with Finesse-as-Morgan wanting to do a full-on sex scene, and the dialogue’s made even funnier with his dignified delivery.
• Finesse: “I don’t wanna be driving Miss Daisy, I wanna be riding Miss Daisy.”
• An overall solid commentary from Finesse.
• (*groan*) We’re still proceeding with tonight’s Update? That Morgan Freeman commentary would’ve been a PERFECT capper.
• An overall weak Update, though the guest commentaries do raise my rating slightly higher, but not too much.

Rating: **½

Seasons of Love

• A soap opera sketch? Well, THIS should end well.
• Chris’ performance as a typical soap opera male character is funny, but again…#notsurprising.
• Hilary’s impression of a soap opera female character is cracking me up.
• I got a chuckle from Seth’s deadpan “cool it” to Chris. He’s far better at doing deadpan roles than over-the-top roles. Hmm, kinda reminds me of a certain cast member who would go on to become his Update co-anchor, though the name can’t cross my mind. (*coughCecilyStrong*)
• Hilary’s attempt at crying is hilarious.
• Ha, are we gonna base this entire sketch around Hilary’s attempt at crying? I find that amusing, but it also has me worried that none of her later attempts at crying will be as hilarious as the first one.
• For some reason, I’m getting a bit of a James Marsden vibe from Seth’s performance.
• Funny appearance from Rachel.
• Rachel’s performance as Hilary’s crying coach is hilarious.
• Seth’s second deadpan comment towards Chris wasn’t as funny as the first one (and even that was more chuckle-worthy than funny).
• Yeah, just as I feared, this sketch has started to feel a little repetitive. Despite Hilary’s commitment, the main joke has completely lost its steam.
• Okay, this is going on waaaaayyy too long.
• Never mind what I said about Seth’s deadpan role, as he now proceeded to yell his third line towards Chris, and it wasn’t funny.
• Poor, poor Rob. He’s only appeared twice tonight so far and he hasn’t been given ANYTHING funny to do.
• Weak ending.

Rating: **½

City Court

• Horatio’s Aaron Neville voice is pretty funny.
• An amusing performance from Hilary, even if this role is one that pretty much anyone can play in their sleep, which I believe is something I also said in regards to SJP’s performance in the Good Morning Brooklyn sketch from S20.
• So far, the concept is the only thing that this sketch has going for it, as hardly anything funny has happened.
• Why is Chris using an overeffeminate voice?
• Ha, a funny gaffe with Horatio accidentally losing the gavel while trying to bang it, leading him to make a funny ad-lib.
• Why is Kenan playing Hilary’s son?
• Never mind, as Hilary’s character now says she was once in a relationship with Lawrence Taylor.
• Ha, I got a chuckle from Seth saying a deadpan, under-breath “tell me about it” after Finesse says that Aaron Neville doesn’t know much about the court system.
• Not caring for Horatio’s singing during his final ruling.
• Despite the funny concept and a few chuckles here and there, I was left overall underwhelmed by this sketch.

Rating: **

After the Grammys

• Oh yeah, Marc Anthony was a thing back in 2005.
• Uh-oh. Looks like we’re in for Maya singing. Lord spare me.
• Good God, that voice Maya’s using for JLo not only sounds nothing like her, but is also FUCKING ANNOYING.
• The bit with Maya practicing her vocal warm-ups is pure TORTURE.
• Wow, the wardrobe department really screwed up with Will’s Jack White, as his getup doesn’t look a thing like Jack. Then again, I’m a fan of the real Jack White, so I’m probably overthinking that.
• Uh…what is this sketch going for, exactly? Not only do I have no idea what the main joke is, but I’m also not getting any laughs whatsoever.
• The gag with Hilary’s Loretta Lynn having a hard time trying to find Jack White was unnecessary and unfunny.
• Maya’s singing AGAIN?! I said it before, and I’ll say it again: MAKE IT STOP!!!
• Wow, the blooper with Hilary forgetting her line was fucking CRINGEWORTHY. Not even her ad-lib could save it.
• And now the sketch has just ended, without a single laugh from me or a general understanding of what it is I just witnessed.

Rating: *

Project Runway

• (*sigh*) As if tonight’s episode wasn’t unwatchable enough, we now finish it off with a sketch that parodies a reality show I’ve never fucking watched. I seriously have no idea why Tina Fey and co constantly pander to reality show viewers around this time period. If I haven’t made it abundantly clear, let me repeat: reality shows are NOT MY THING.
• Amusing performance from Hilary.
• I kinda like Steve Higgins’ deadpan delivery of “we get it, Heidi”.
• I have no idea who any of these people being spoofed are. What’s even worse is that they don’t even bother to tell me, as if they’re certain that everyone watching this sketch has a general understanding of this show. Again, why would an 18-year old who has no interest in these types of shows have any knowledge of who these people are?
• Okay, I did get a chuckle from Rachel crying and then suddenly cackling.
• Why the hell is Chris using an overeffeminiate voice AGAIN tonight?
• (*sigh*) Not even Fred’s walk-on is doing anything to save this sketch, and the voice he’s using reminds me that the last throwback review I have on my agenda is a really wretched sketch where he uses that voice (hint: it has something to do with a loss of crackers).
• That’s it? Yeah, this is pretty much a bust. Fuck this sketch. Nah, fuck this episode.

Rating: *½

Final Thoughts

• Simply awful. One of the worst episodes I’ve ever seen in my life. Nothing got a rating higher than two-and-a-half stars, and some of the segments I didn’t care for were downright UNWATCHABLE, including three segments I gave the lowest-of-low one-star rating to (Hot Plates, Debbie Downer, After the Grammys). Hell, the best segments of the night came from segments that had a lot of bad stuff going against them. Not even Hilary Swank’s commitment could salvage this episode. Add to that 50 Cent performing one of my least favorite #1 hits ever (“Candy Shop”), and all you have is an episode that just makes you weep.